To whom it may concern,
Let me thank you for your interest in our ministry. But let me assure you, that our only interest is in agriculture and fisheries.
Rumours that we are some type of front for an alternative MI5 is completely without foundation. I am happy to confront these claims below.
We sometimes ask colleagues in the defence industry for information regarding cod stocks. These may include a range of telecommunications that we feel may shed light on any malpractice. We have sometimes asked staff to join discussion forums run by disparate groups, but this is not 'infiltration'.
We have become more proactive over protecting British salmon farming, and we interpret complaints about harassment as proof that we take these issues seriously. Having no direct connection to salmon farming is not a valid reason to delay investigation.
We have never paid money to place defamatory articles into the media. It is possible that the media latch onto a target's lifestyle that we have discovered in passing, but this would never be our focus.
While it is true that we occasionally welcome guests into the basement interview area, we have no comment on the allegations that some have subsequently disappeared. It is possible that after lengthy discussions on EU fishery policies, some individuals may require a period of peace to recover.
I hope this is sufficient to allay any fears, but if you wish to make further enquiries, please contact us and we will meet with you directly.
Written on behalf of the Director General